I constantly ask the relatively preserved looking 62-year-old man in the mirror, “How in the hell did you Iet me get caught up in this madness?” I can’t help but reflect back on the 15-year-old boy who thought he could navigate the mean streets of Detroit and live and survive on his own. Little did he know his backward and irresponsible thinking would lead him toward a world of trouble. The man staring sternly back at me in that rusted, steel framed plastic mirror constantly reminds me of the boy whose bad choices and poor decisions caused a litany of problems…
Without addressing the neglect, abuse and trauma you experienced when you were just a little fella, those experiences build up and contributed to you exploring and resorting to an unhealthy outlet that lead to criminality and a propensity for violence. Some 47 years ago, your young thoughts influenced and ruled everything about you. Jewels, you had so much going for you, and you threw it all away for what amounts to insignificant, temporary gratification.
Man, do you remember when you were hired as a files clerk for the Genesee County Department of Social Services and were one of the only male employees in an office full of women? You were being vetted at 17-years-old to become a permanent employee with the Michigan Department of Social Services to work as a staff member at W.J. Maxey Boy’s Training School. You always excelled in your endeavors, stood out amongst most of your peers. In grade school many of your fellow students displayed jealousy because you were always getting A’s and B’s and winning spelling bees. Had you stayed on track and not dropped out of school, no telling where you would be right now. I know you could’ve been anything you put your mind to – a doctor, a lawyer, judge, scientist, even an astronaut, but you were drawn to what you thought was the fascinating street-life. A life that ultimately caused you to lose your freedom. I know you’re probably saying, “Why didn’t you pull up on me back then and give me some game because maybe I would’ve taken a different path.”
I can’t turn back the unstoppable hands of time, they wait on no one. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would make sure you knew and learned the ropes to get through the life that unfolded before your young, innocent eyes. If given the chance, I would lend you some advice…
Make amends by trying to right the wrongs you’ve done.
Learn to forgive yourself for those you’ve harmed.
Face your fears and insecurities without pause.
Be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Rebuild the community you helped to destroy.
Make something of your life and live righteously.
Love yourself and others.
Be compassionate, kind, loving, and patient.
Help as many people as you possibly can without reward.
Do everything you can to make this world better.
You should know some good came out of who you once were. You were beyond brilliant, and had you embraced your God given greatness and utilized your inner-most being, tapped into the core of your existence, man, there’s absolutely no limits to where you could’ve soared in this universe. I hope you will one day find it in your heart to forgive me for leading you astray with my wayward thinking, because from that foolish thinking, an attitude of destruction formed, and it filtered into very dangerous and negative behavior that contributed to people getting hurt and you messing up your life. I am not going to blame the environment, the neglect, abuse, or trauma that we experienced, but I want you to understand one thing, all of this wasn’t our fault. There were other factors beyond our control that made it hard for us to navigate in this world simply because of the color of our skin. Yeah, the deck has always been stacked against us, there have been systems strategically placed for us, as black men, to fail, and blindly destroy one another. But you and I have the spirits of our ancestors flowing in our soul and we will and shall overcome all the obstacles, struggles, trials and tribulations we may come to face.
They say everything happens for a reason, so I will venture to say it’s no accident things turned out the way they did. On some real, 100 stuff, it all boils down to one’s thoughts causing it all.
ABOUT THE WRITER. Ricardo Ferrell is one of the two third place winners in our most recent writing contest – we had a tie! Mr. Ferrell doesn’t just write, but also spends his time trying to do exactly what he referred to in his essay – make the world better. He is involved in several projects, and keeps himself busy trying to advocate for those around him, as well as those on the outside. Ricardo Ferrell can be contacted at:
Ricardo Ferrell #140701
Gus Harrison Correctional Facility
2727 E. Beecher Street
Adrian, MI 49221
