In June, 1993, I came home after serving 27 months in prison.   While I was gone my mother had relocated from the projects where I grew up to an upscale community on the outskirts of town.  I arrived home to a section of seemly brick homes, spacious yards and lush greenery in a neighborhood that was relatively safe – but boring.

The morning after I arrived, I checked the mailbox at the end of our driveway and later strolled to the neighborhood store, noticing each time I left that I drew the attention of a young boy across the street.  He had sunbaked hair, hazel eyes and skin the color of butterscotch, with a slender frame under clothes that were marked by rough play.  In the yard were toys and other objects to which he showed no interest, seemingly content to sit and stare all day.  When my mother  returned from work, I inquired about the strange boy across the street.

She succinctly replied, “Oh, that’s Chad.”

In the following days Chad proved to be as normal as the other kids as they boisterously played throughout the day.  Oftentimes he tussled with his dog or shot hoops in the backyard, other times he simply observed.  He was around eight years old with two older siblings and a kid sister. Their mother worked two jobs, and their father frequently came and went. Their house wasn’t the most adult supervised one on the strip, but it was a crime-free neighborhood so there was little concern.

One day I set out to walk our dog and saw Chad headed my way at a determined pace, his head held sharp and unwavering.  He stepped to me and asked if he could walk my dog.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him no. Before I knew it, I was strolling around the neighborhood with the most inquisitive kid ever. Many of his questions had simple answers, though Chad posed them in a difficult way.  He had a budding curiosity that was pleasant company and reminded me of myself at his age.

Soon Chad found an excuse to come over almost every day, whether to help with yard work or to show me something he had found.  His attentiveness gave me such a feeling of relevance that I looked forward to having him around. One time a friend of mine spent the night.  She went outside early for the morning newspaper, and when she returned, she asked, “Who dat lil’ boy sittin’ on ya’ll doorstep?”

I guessed safely and answered, “Oh, that’s Chad.”

Chad and I often fished at the local pond or practiced target-shooting with pellet guns. We washed cars, mowed lawns and played video games all for the sake of filling the days.  He was so willing to learn and committed to work that he never once complained.  And although he could be incredibly annoying at times, he was still the best part of waking up to a new day.

Two years would pass before trouble pierced our rural haven, and I wound up handcuffed in the back of a squad car.  Chad looked on from the curb with confusion etched on his face.  I sat in prison for 31 months for a crime I didn’t commit, and by the time of my release, I was a fragment of myself with little good to offer.

Chad was like a one-man welcoming party, exhilarated by my return. Just seeing him helped me to shuck some of the bitterness and appreciate the warmth of home.  I would peep outside some days and see Chad sitting idly on his porch waiting for our front door to open.  When it did, he would rush over just to say, “Hi.”  He was the reason I stayed home many a day, though my vengeful heart kept me gone most nights. 

I turned to drug dealing and petty crimes to validate my sense of self-worthlessness, carrying on destructively to mirror how I felt inside. I was caught between being a hooligan by night and a mentor to Chad by day, as I appropriated stories of my nighttime endeavors to preserve a wholesome image. Occasionally, Chad would ask if he could go with me to town, and I would come up with an excuse.  Then I discovered that not only was he a curious bug, he was also quite persistent.

One night I arrived home around 2 a.m. to reup on drugs, not the least bit surprised when Chad wondered over.

“What’s up, Duck?  Are you staying home?” he asked.

“Nope,” I answered while in a mad dash inside to grab the dope supply and head back to the block.

When I returned, Chad was still there waiting in the chill of night, determined to get a word.  “Lemme go wit’ chu, Duck.  I’ve got money.”

“I’ve got sumpthin’ to do tonight, Chad.”

It was the scene that had played out countless times before except this time the outcome was different as his shoulders collapsed and his smile faded.  He turned and started for home.

“Hey, Chad….” I called out to him without giving it much thought because at that moment all that mattered was his happiness,  “…C’mon, get in the car.”

Ecstatically, Chad bound over and jumped in the backseat as I dipped inside the house, removed all the illegals, and joined him in the taxi.

We were dropped off in the filthiest, most crime-infested area in the heart of the city’s drug market, where the unlikeliest shadows gave rise to dope fiends jonesing for a fix.  Cars cruised surreptitiously along narrow side streets as dealers kept an eye out for trouble, and while many residents’ doors were closed and bolted for the night, others were just beginning to open.

The first spot we headed to was the bodega for knickknacks and arcades. We then took in a spectacle of rambunctious trash-talkers over an intense game of craps. With loads of money scattered on the ground and vulgarities stirring, I thought it best that we split, and Chad didn’t have to be told twice to move – he stayed close behind. 

Next we walked a few blocks to the poolroom for chili cheese fries and chicken wings, then we settled in a vacant park and scoffed down our meals.  While there, Chad delved up tons of questions, some even provoking thought, and I could tell that he was having the time of his life because I was too. 

We finished off the night with a fast-food breakfast and caught a taxi home at the cusp of dawn. Once there, Chad hopped out with a yawn and said, “Thanks, Duck. I’ll see ya later, a-ight.”

I watched as he shuffled to his house across the street and disappeared behind the door, not knowing that it was the last time I would ever see Chad.

Days later I was charged with murder and within a year I was sentenced to death.  I prayed that Chad would get used to me not being around anymore. 

Four years later, I learned through a visit with my mom that Chad had been killed. It happened during a skirmish that he was fatally injured and his body was recovered in the woods.  I couldn’t believe it – Chad was gone and he was only sixteen.  I sat with the news gnawing at my conscience, feeling crushed beneath a swell of guilt while imagining the inquisitive kid I first met – not understanding why someone would want to take his life. I blamed myself for not being there for Chad and prayed to take his stead.  He was a much better person and deserving of life than I could ever be.

I have lived with the guilt of Chad’s death for over sixteen years with tomorrows still to come, wondering how our lives would’ve been had I not gone away.  I try not to remember how Chad was taken – I remember how he lived, and I’ll forever keep the fond memory of our night on the town together.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Terry Robinson writes under the pen name ‘Chanton’ and lives on death row. He has always maintained his innocence for the crime he is incarcerated for, but often uses his writing to honestly confront the mistakes he’s made in his life. His honest revelations are an inspiration and a testament to who he is.

Mr. Robinson can be contacted at:
Terry Robinson #0349019
Central Prison
4285 Mail Service Center
Raleigh, NC 27699-4285

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