All posts by Gerard G. Schultz

Prison Conditions, Solitary Confinement, Views From The Inside

Phantom Souls

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Editors Note: Previously published elsewhere and revised to fit this site’s length preference after submission by the author.

We are an estimated two million, yet the sound of a pin hitting the ground makes a louder noise than our four million teardrops, entombed as we are in a purgatory state of existence inside correctional facilities across the United States.  It can be said that we deserve to be imprisoned – some of us for the rest of our lives – that we let people down.  Can it also be said that we are human beings?  We still bleed.  We still breathe.  Yet our presence is forgotten when the iron gates slam and the cell door closes.

No one can see or hear us anymore – much like an eyelash falling on your nose; hardly detectible and having no outside effect at all.  I’ve been locked here for over a decade and still have not gotten used to the burning sensation of hell’s fire at my feet, never ceasing – not even in sleep.

Animals at the shelter are morbidly euthanized, a bitter sweet luxury of quick escape from this nightmare.  We, phantom souls, serving life without parole sentences with no rehabilitation or educational reform available are rotting in supermax prisons.  Everyone eventually leaves your side – scattering like cockroaches when the light turns on.  No more visits or collect calls accepted.  No more photos or letters or financial assistance.  No more anything – a phantom soul cut off from its body and the hope of getting back to life and love.

That’s when mental illness, violence, murder and the suicide rate increases.  A phantom soul with no help, no education, no vocational training and no rehabilitation has nothing to lose and no hope for the future.  It’s better off dead.  Actually, that’s what a phantom soul truly is – a dead man walking.  It’s bone chilling to realize that.

When a phantom soul loses itself completely, it attaches to the prison lifestyle and culture for survival, like a leech to flesh, thirsty for blood.  We do not live in here.   We survive in a cold isolated world of pain, loneliness, anger, confusion and hate.  It’s a menagerie where big dog eats little dog. Kill or be killed.  Human snakes of all shapes and sizes roam with evil agendas, resorting to convict ingenuity to get by and survive. 

For many, pride is sealed with tattoos, for others they are shields. Respect, acceptance, loyalty, acknowledgement, reputation, honor and authority are earned by the degree of corrupt mercilessness displayed, and violent deeds against rival gangs, racial enemies and guards.  The guards can sometimes be the most ruthless, deceitful, dangerous, conniving, lying and cheating gang in the prison.

Hate is the only way emotion is expressed inside this concrete bed of barbed wire thorny roses that we reside in.  Positive activities are only available to a select few or non-existent, leaving the vast majority displaying acts of treachery and hate against one another from boredom, and lack of mental, emotional and physical stimulation and the absence of hope.  People wonder why prisons become rampant with gangs, violence, drug abuse, racism, hate and mass deterioration of what were once good natured souls…

Men die in here, physically and mentally, and it’s planned.  Reckless prison administrations and faulty judicial systems make the plans which provide laws, sentences, stipulations, restrictions, and little true rehabilitation, education, therapy, job training and recidivism prevention programs – creating the animals many of us unfortunately become.  The government planned this horrendous thing that is the greatest unknown atrocity in America – for not all men are created nor treated equal. 

It’s a struggle being a ghost-like soul between hell and a soulless cell.  Some people say, “They deserve it for what they’ve done.”  I feel sorry for those people, because their souls are more lost than ours.  Compassion and understanding are gifts.  There are minds of great intelligence in here that could put an end to issues that are deteriorating our beautiful world.  Imagine what we could accomplish with proper rehabilitative and educational reform provided to all of us while incarcerated – at all levels.

This is not a poor me story.  I deserve to be punished for my crimes that I take full responsibility for.  I also need help to better myself.  Most, if not all convicts, will not admit they need help, but there is no fault in that.  It’s sometimes hard to admit you are human, because then all the emotions rush in and it can be too much to bear.  Prison is not the answer for everything.  Punishment with no reform and no proper educational rehabilitation is not the answer. Life without parole, hopelessness with nothing to lose or gain, is not the answer.  Long term solitary confinement in draconian supermax prisons is not the answer.

Rehabilitation, love, education, understanding, hope and change are the answer.  How can it be properly applied so that it is not taken advantage of?  I don’t know, but I sure hope someone can find a solution to this problem before this phantom soul completely fades away…

ABOUT THE AUTHOR. Gerard is an artist and writer of essays and poetry serving a life sentence in Menard, Illinois. Although this piece was previously published on other sites, it has been revised here to fit our length preferences. Gerard can be contacted at:
Gerard G. Schultz, Jr. #R55165
Menard C.C.
P.O. Box 1000
Menard, Illinois 62259

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Views From The Inside

The Necessity Of Breaking The Rules – Part III

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I could go on and on about how prison society is and the many rules broken on a daily basis, not with malicious intent but as a necessity to survive, be comfortable and feel as much normalcy as possible. I’ve been told it’s selfish that I risk phone calls and visits to have an extra piece of chicken or survive in comfort, and I don’t care. It has nothing to do with selfishness and not caring.

I am serving LWOP in prison in a very, very harsh, restrictive and oppressive environment. I take full responsibility for my own actions, and it’s no one else’s fault but my own that I am in prison, regardless of the facts and circumstances of my case. I don’t live in prison, I survive in prison. I must go through the pain, the torture, the dehumanizing, the mistreatment, the restrictions, the oppression, the chaos, the violence, the disrespect, the boredom, the monotony, the loneliness, the confusion, the scariness, the coldness, the darkness, the hopelessness, the loss and the constant unstable unpredictability of prison life. I don’t function in my daily life of ‘prison survival’ not caring about family, friends, loved ones and connections on the outside.

Mail is a right in prison that the prison cannot deny; phone calls and visits are a “privilege” that can be taken away at any time, whether I do something wrong or not! I love being able to call people on the phone, but phone calls in prison are expensive, and not everyone accepts collect calls or sets up phone accounts for us to call them. The times we are able to actually use the phone is not always a convenient time for those on the outside. They are either at work or unavailable to answer the phone. So, for me, I don’t get my hopes up, nor depend on phone calls.

Visits – what person in prison would not love to receive a visit either contact or noncontact?  It’s a wonderful thing. Someone actually is thinking of you and wants to see you and spend time with you in person, that is a very wonderful feeling indeed. They drive, fly and subject themselves to searches etc., to spend quality time with you and make the effort to share comfort and a sense of normalcy with you. But not everyone receives a visit. Many people, even your own flesh and blood, do not think of you, do not have time to visit, do not try, do not want to visit or whatever the reason may be. Visits are a luxury many, many, many prisoners do not get or have. It’s just a privilege that is not guaranteed and can be taken away at any time.

Visits and phone calls are great, but I do not expect them. Yes, I may hope, wish and yearn to share in these things, but in our reality, they probably won’t happen, so I don’t survive in my everyday life thinking about a privilege I may or may not get. It doesn’t mean I am selfish or do not care, I just survive this life realistically in the moment from day to day because even tomorrow is “not guaranteed”.

People in the free world live their lives as comfortable as possible and that’s all we do as well. I’m not talking about breaking the rules with malicious intent or doing wrong because we are reckless and do not care. There are so many petty, restrictive and oppressive rules in prison that make our lives harder than they have to be, which is not right at all! I survive LWOP in a manner that is as comfortable as possible, even if it means breaking rules, for it is worth the risk.

Many prisoners do not want to lose privileges nor have to break rules, even the most petty, but it’s a fact of life behind these bars and walls. When I got locked down, I asked someone I was cool with if they could give me a pen, some paper and an envelope so I could write my loved ones and let them know my situation, since IDOC violated their own rules, policies and procedures and did not give me any of my personal property, not even sheets or a blanket to sleep with at night, so I broke the rules. It was a necessity, not selfishness or not caring about what privileges I may lose, but a necessity for me. Maybe people will understand and maybe they won’t, but to truly grasp it, someone must put themselves in our shoes and understand most of it is not with malicious intent nor because we are selfish and do not care. It’s all part of the many different ways that we survive in such an unpredictable dirty, cold, lonely, boring, monotonous, chaotic, restrictive, mean, harsh, inhumane, sad, confusing, dark, bleak, unforgiving and oppressive environment.

I just wanted to give some clarification and understanding on that, especially for those who do not understand or think it’s selfish and carelessness when it’s not.  Any questions, comments, etc., post them or you can get at me directly always. Take care.
Gerard G. Schultz Jr. R55165
Pontiac C.C.
P.O. Box 99
Pontiac, Illinois 61764
U.S.A.

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Prison Conditions, Views From The Inside

Sharing My Thoughts From Inside The Cesspool of IDOC Part II

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We break the rules, not to be assholes that just want to get in trouble, but out of a need to be as comfortable as possible in such a lonely, cold, dark and very oppressive and restricted environment.

There is a rule for ‘trading and trafficking’ which is selling, trading, sharing, giving, letting each other borrow, use, see, hear and have anything we have, make, get. etc.  In the hole we are limited to only certain personal property items. In most holes you cannot have a TV or radio, so reading is a big pastime that helps.  Some prisons do not have libraries and the ones that do have a system that is a catch 22, more trouble and risk to use than not, so many guys find other ways to acquire reading materials. There are some non-profit organizations that will send free books if your particular prison allows it. Some prisoners are blessed and fortunate to have family or friends in the free world whom care and send them reading materials or money to purchase such items, but a lot of prisoners don’t have that.  We will share reading materials with each other, but this is against the rules.  We do it anyway.

Food is nasty in prison, and in IDOC we don’t eat any red meat or pork. We are fed a lot of turkey by-products and soy stuff that is not appetizing!  So, again, in the hole – where, for some reason, the portions of horrible food is smaller – grown men get hungry, so they trade food items. I might not eat something that someone else does, and visa versa, so we trade, which is against the rules. Those of us who are blessed and fortunate to have money sent to us, are able to buy food items off the commissary to make meals with. We are not all heartless bastards, as many think, and we share and give some commissary food items to buddies or guys whom do not have money to buy these things. We have all been there, and a little generosity goes a long way.  Sometimes, a lot of us will pitch in commissary food items and make a big meal together. We love making foot long burritos and cakes. But, again, these things are against the rules, and it can land us in the hole from 30 days to six months, but we do it anyway, because it’s a petty rule and not done with malicious intent, but rather part of trying to be as comfortable as possible.

Local churches, restaurants, organizations, etc., will sometimes donate food intended ‘for the prisoners’.  They may have excess, day old, or expired items which are real food items, generally the kind of things not seen or served in prison – things like pork, steaks, pastries, vegetables (not normally served), ice cream, drinks, etc.  But 99% of this food is not served to us. It is fed to the officers for their enjoyment, and even given away to them.  Leftovers that are not deemed enough to serve to the entire prison population will be, literally, thrown away – even though some good people were generous enough to donate it for the purpose of feeding the prisoners.

IDOC is not only corrupt, lazy and deceitful, but it is also wasteful. Millions of tax dollars are wasted and thrown away by the system on a daily basis.  A lot of prisoners in the general population will steal food from the kitchen and sell it to other prisoners.  Some of the officers and staff actually allow certain prisoners to take the excess food or make their own meals since they work in the kitchen, and they will even use the prisoners to make them a good meal. So prisoners will prepare great meals like steak with fries, real beef hamburgers with cheese and actual fresh tomato, lettuce, onions, jalapenos, and bell peppers (items we never get), fried chicken with seasonings, chicken quesadillas with onions, jalapenos, tomatoes, bell peppers, hot sauce, several types of cheeses, fried broccoli and cauliflower with ranch dressing, and even a real salad with lettuce, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, celery, cucumbers, cheese, mushrooms, yummy! (Something we never get). So guys will break the rules to wheel and deal, paying $3.00 to $5.00 for a special meal made that is against the rules – but, oh so, so worth it!!!

When I was in general population, guys liked my style of art and would commission art projects and they loved my cards which were in high demand, so much so that I was a bit overwhelmed and had to maintain lists and even then would only do business with certain guys.  I bartered my artwork for real food with a bunch of kitchen workers, too.  My last cellmate didn’t have any outside support, nor did he go to commissary, so I made sure he got to eat with me. This is against the rules, but it’s what we do to be as comfortable as possible, in a place where the officers get to enjoy the food donated to the prisoners.  It’s not right, so we do what is necessary for us to do to feel human in this oppressive, restrictive and dehumanizing prison system.

I mentioned how I’m good at making some creative cards that prisoners like.  Guys think about their kids and family, wives and loved ones all the time, and they want to send something nice to them.  They are willing to pay, trade, barter and hustle for it. There are many, many talented artists of all kinds in prison and many others who are creative in other ways. Guys make all kinds of beautiful artwork, paintings, drawings, cards, roses, models, paper jewelry boxes, bracelets, rings, necklaces, pillows and other cool items, sometimes, literally, out of nothing.  But other guys do not have such talents, and they will obtain art from other prisoners to send to their loved ones. Again, this is against the rules and it can land us in the hole anywhere from 30 days to a year, all for something petty, nonviolent, not malicious and done with only good intentions.

THIS STORY CONTINUES…. STAY TUNED FOR PART THREE……

 

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