As I entered the county jail, a C.O. in intake recognized me as a local tattoo artist. Mine was a high profile case, and I was segregated from inmates with lesser charges. Holding back emotions and the regret that came with the initial realization of what I had done, where I was and all those I had failed, I steeled myself in an effort to make resolve with my guilt and ultimately grow.
Within 24 hours, I was moved to the top floor of the jail where inmates with mainly violent crimes were housed. The pod was on lockdown for a fight. My name was called as I walked to my newly assigned living quarters. “Who dat?” I responded, recognizing the voice as a client of mine from tattoo parties I had done in his neighborhood.
My cell door opened, and I entered. Single-man cell. I cried. Looking at myself in the warped mirror, I decided then that I would come out better than I was in that moment. I was unstable mentally, angry at life, financially uneducated and a flawed character, failing to accept accountability for my reality. I laid down, visualizing the moment of my crime and sorry for the pain I know I caused my two sons, my mother and my family.
I began writing poetry, expressing my regrets and acknowledging the pain I caused so many. So many! I hurt people who also have children, mothers and other family members. There is no reason good enough, no justification for what I did. I turned myself in because I felt the guilt that I did not expect to feel. The guilt and desire to make amends with those I hurt settled in my core like an anchor. How do I grow from this?
I listened to my victims at my preliminary hearing, speaking on what I did and expressing the trauma I caused them. I am a naturally empathetic person, so their pain resonated with me. I hurt people. I realized then that I must be who I am and accept myself with that truth. I don’t enjoy, nor do I desire to hurt people.
At my sentencing, at which I took a plea deal, I apologized to my victims. I don’t know if they felt my sincerity, my disgust with myself, or even my desire to be the best version of myself going forward. I am certain that none of those things really resonated with them for the sight of me must have brought to mind how my actions brought us to that point.
I was fortunate, I think, to be sent to the prison I am currently serving my sentence at. It’s no different than any other prison in regard to the treatment by staff, violence, intoxicants and many other distractions on the path to rehabilitation, but there are many programs that have helped me in my evolution towards a better me.
This time is mine, and I know that I am fortunate for having a foundation of principles guiding me in self-improvement and growth for myself and my family, and a future as a contributing member of society. My thoughts and desires are aligned, and my reality is more tangible because of what I have done with my time within the parameters of my freedom.
Knowledge and acceptance of my own self was the first step, acknowledging my wrong, acknowledging how deeply I hurt my victims, children, family and friends, and knowing what I can do from within these walls to accept and change my reality.
This knowledge made me accept accountability and responsibility for my emotions and character development. I utilize the library to obtain a healthier understanding of all things pertaining to my growth. I have assumed healthier habits and practices in my daily life and deal with freedom in realistic degrees and expectations. I no longer accept powerlesseness over self and have developed the ability to see the value in all things and people, major and minor.
Today I am better than I have ever been because my intentions and actions are clear. I choose to add value to all I encounter in an effort to bring forth a greater good. I know the true test is out in society, and I look forward to the day I am afforded that degree of freedom. I continue and will continue to do those things I know have the beneficial quality of contributing to the greater good.
I now think outside this box and have created books, art, youth programs and other endeavors. And I write this to inspire others in the same situation to change your perception of where you are and what you can do – and what your time means to you.
T.hought I.s M.y E.xistence.
“The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the next best time is now.”
Chinese Proverb
ABOUT THE WRITER. Jerrod Buford is a first time WITS writer, and he did not share much about himself with this submission, but I think the piece itself says a lot about where he is today. I am glad he has chosen to use writing to share his experience. Jerrod can be contacted at:
Smart Communications/PA DOC
Jerrod Buford #ME 9775
SCI Forest
P.O. Box 33028
St. Petersburg, FL 33733
