I remember thinking, ‘When does a person adjust to this madness? When will I feel whole again?’
I still don’t know. What I do know is that being in here is like losing a part of yourself, or losing a loved one. When does a person fully recover from that, or say they are ‘fine’?
Life has taught me that each of us is forced to face things we don’t want to face, learn things we don’t want to learn and experience things we don’t want to experience. It takes time to acclimate to this new life. It takes time to redefine being ‘fine’. There are no timelines for it to happen, no countdowns, no circles on the calendar that say – This Is The Day!
After eighteen years under this spell, I have learned that for me it takes work, patience, perseverance and a few prayers – but even then things aren’t going to be ‘fine’. Each morning there is an effort to work up the strength to face another day and the question, ‘Do I have enough hope left to sustain me for today?’ It’s not easy creating hope in a hopeless place. It is a constant struggle to find meaning and purpose in this life.
It is often said that the best counsel for someone who has hit bottom is to simply tell them to take the next step. But it is when we are hurting the most, we tend to forget the things that are most essential. Sometimes just knowing someone is there, a human connection, has proven to be the most helpful. At least that has been the case in my journey of healing – healing from a place that continues to eat holes in my soul.
Adversity tests our faith, character and resolve. For the incarcerated serving life who will die in prison, loss is perennial, an unavoidable enemy and daily reminder of the consequence of a bad decision. Death and its shadow linger overhead like vultures.
Death and loss touch all those who are living. In my dark nights, through prayer I find comfort in a great exchange. I give God my sorrow, fear, and despair and in return receive God’s joy, courage, faith, hope, love and grace for one more day. The Psalmist said, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because You are with me…”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR. Darrell is a gifted and thoughtful writer serving a life sentence. He can be contacted at:
Darrell Sharpe #W80709
P.O. Box 43
Norfolk, MA 02056
