It was December 5^th, 1998, when I stepped outside of Jimmy’s nightclub at 2 a.m.  The strip was packed with inebriated club hoppers loitering on the sidewalks.  Cars blared their stereo systems, and the scent of ganja lingered in the night air.  With 15 grams of cocaine stashed in my jacket, I decided to head home.  I had no intention of being around when the cops showed. I popped on my headset and bopped to the lyrical testimonies of Tupac Shakur, “Come listen to my truest thoughts, my truest feelings, all my peers doin’ years behind drug dealing…”

Scanning the crowd, I readied for my departure when I spotted a familiar face. “Oh shit! That’s Crip.”

His lean, wiry frame was indistinguishable under baggy clothing with dangling dreadlocks that curtained his face, but I was convinced – the nerve of the guy to show his face.  He and I should not be in the same club scene, not after last week. Confrontation was inevitable. My only advantage was that I saw him first.

I slunk behind a group of people, then hurried across the street. Advancing alongside the building where Crip stood, I drew the 9mm handgun from my waist and chambered a live round. Intended as a last resort, I shoved the heavy steel into my back pocket, and rounded the corner.  There was Crip…

Our eyes locked in a silent exchange that revealed an awful truth – we were both bound by circumstances, and there was no turning back. I lowered my gaze and eased onward, careful not to alarm him. At precisely the moment we stood at arm’s length, I spun, fists clenched, and demanded, “What’s up mutha fucka? Which one of ya’ll niggas shot at me?”

His eyes widened with the shock of being accosted as he raised his shirt and pulled a .357 revolver.  I figured if I went for my own gun now, we would likely kill each other. Instead, I flashed my palms, stepped back, and hoped to dissuade him with an explanation. “What the fuck man? I was just…”

That’s as far as I got before my words were cut short by the sudden jerk of his hand. I turned and dashed for cover, yet there wasn’t any place to hide. Crip thrust the chrome tool at my chest and fired.  POW!

The deafening sound sent shock waves through my body as I stood frozen with fear. My impulse trumped all ability to reason, and I pulled out the 9mm. The Crip I saw now was different, as though he’d undergone a fiendish transformation. His lips were curled in a fierce snarl, and there was confidence in his eyes that pierced. Again his hand snaked forward in a lethal jab. I pointed my gun, desperate to stop him.

Joint blasts amplified the terror between us and sent bystanders scurrying to safety. My legs tore away with a mind of their own as another pop sounded behind me. I squeezed the trigger, but nothing happened. Two strides later, I crashed to the ground, the brutal impact smashing my watchcase and wrenching the 9mm free. My legs felt locked in a whirlwind, yet when I checked them, they were still.

Damn. I was shot.

I struggled to rise, but slipped back down to the crunch of scattered debris. The 9mm laid inches from my face with a spent shell casing lodged in the chamber. I reached for it but faltered, thwarted by sudden paralysis. Then the unexplainable happened.  I began to relive my entire life through a surge of memories and emotions. The sensation catapulted me through a space in time, nearly causing me to forget about Crip.

A swift search revealed that I’d fallen around the corner.  I didn’t know if Crip was even injured.  I expected him to step around the corner and kill me at any moment. Empowered by the urgency to prevent my death, I grasped the gun. With a violent shake, the casing sprang loose and tinged against the asphalt. I rolled and popped off a series of shots in the sky and waited for Crip to show.

As dozens of footsteps converged towards me, I was imbued with panic. I trained the gun on the first face that hovered, only to see it was a friend who’d rushed to help. At his request, I ceded the gun and watched as he bolted around the corner. More faces appeared, suspended above me, annoying me with their questions and concerns. My backside raged with pain as if being cauterized with a searing stake, while pressure penned my chest, causing my breathing to strain.  With each new face that happened into view, a fraction of the air was claimed, as my vision succumbed to a fierce swirl that distorted the surroundings.  Voices were reduced to murmurs over the thumping of my chest.

“I… can’t… breathe…” I whispered, my voice scraggly and feeble.  “Move them back, man, I can’t breathe.”

Pandemonium swelled as onlookers gathered and cast down stares of sympathy.  Then a voice emerged, booming in the distance, “Ya’ll git the fuck back!”

Although I was unable to see his face, his commanding ways consoled me.  “Stop panicking, Duck…,” I heard him say, “…if not, you’re gonna die.”

I closed my eyes, stilled myself, and relinquished my woeful struggles. I drew on a spiritual medium where inner calmness was fostered. Compelled by the notion to atone, I immersed myself in prayer, neither for forgiveness nor some half-hearted attempt to explain away my misdeeds, but a prayer of strength for my mother. I wanted her to know how much I loved her and thought she deserved better. Afterward, I wasn’t afraid anymore. I was ready for the final transition.

As I journeyed toward that terrible darkness to end my worldly suffering, I held on to the vision of my mother and let go of everything else…

©Chanton

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Chanton is a thoughtful and gifted writer as well as a frequent contributor.

All Posts By Chanton

“This nigger’s slow as molasses,” the driver chuckles, followed by a chorus of giggles from the prisoners – some of them black – gathered at the top of the ramp as I finally reach the incline.

Now the real task – a Herculean one – figuring out how to walk up the incline while leaning back and carrying the heavy box, which now feels like its weight has doubled.

I cannot see the edge of the ramp, so I raise one foot slightly and feel for it with the toe of my shoe. The last thing I want is to clip the edge and tumble face first. With each movement, aided by the pressure I am forced to apply by pushing my hands upward from the bottom and chin downward from the top, the box burrows the handcuffs deeper into my wrists. I can feel the blood begin to trickle.

Please God, what did I do to deserve this? Please, help me.

I manage to get both feet on the ramp and begin the slow, arduous assent. The higher I climb, the more I must strain to maintain my equilibrium and steady the box, every muscle on fire. My mouth feels like it’s coated with sawdust, and I’m starting to feel faint, but I press on.

“Almost home, ain’t cha, boy?”

The misery I feel is what I would presume gave life to the phrase ‘Hell on Earth’.  It is not just the physical agony, though it’s all I can focus on, the mental pain is lying beneath the inferno, awaiting its return to the surface.

By the grace of God, I make it to the top, only to peer into what appears to be a black hole – a corridor so long I can not see the end. This can’t be real. God, tell me it’s not real.

“Stay in the middle of the hallway,” commands Bob.

The prisoners who had climbed the ramp ahead of me stood in the back of the line for the chow hall, eyeing me as I try to adjust the box.

No longer can I conceal the pain wracking my body. Grimacing, I hobble down the hallway, handcuffed and defenseless, only a couple feet away from some of the most violent and dangerous men in the world. It would be like any other day if one of them produces a shank and stabs me.  The guards won’t protect me, they’ll be first to run.

About a quarter of the way down the hallway, I lose my grip, and the box slips out of my hands, hitting the floor with a tremendous thud. Everything instantly halts, as if we’re suspended in time. I feel every eye on me as I stare down at the box and my pride that lay crushed beneath it, not daring to look up.  Please! Somebody just stab me now. Let’s get it over with. Death, I welcome you. Right now!

Neither of the guards escorting me make a move to pick it up, but in my peripheral vision I see movement. Now I’m looking down at a prisoner as he picks up the box. Moving quickly, afraid the guards might chastise him or even worse, he places the box in my arms and returns to the line.

“Thank you.”

He nods acknowledgment.

“Come on, sweetheart. We ain’t got all day.”

I start forward, and I can already feel the box begin to slip. Because he had rushed to put it in my arms, I’m unable to get a better grip, and still have quite a ways to go.  I know I won’t make it without losing hold.

Again, I drop it, but this time it was not so dramatic. Seeing that the other prisoner suffered no repercussions, someone immediately steps out of line and retrieves the box, taking his time to make sure I have a good grip.

“Got it?”

I adjust my hands, “Yeah. Thank you.”

He nods and steps back in line.

The kind acts of two prisoners assuages my trepidation, and with renewed vigor, I lug the box without further incident to ‘Times Square’, four intersecting hallways that serve as the prison’s main arteries.

When the escort guards approach the main control room, the driver says, “I heard ya’ll had a vacancy.”

The female guard looks up from her paperwork, then at me. Realizing I have on a death row uniform and that the guard was referring to the execution that had taken place the day before while I was being sentenced to die, she looks back at him and bursts into laughter.  “Yeah, I guess we do,” then over her shoulder, “Vinny, we gotta gain.”

A guard enters the control room and unlocks the door of a tiny holding cage that sits directly across the hallway.  “Come on. Step inside and have a seat.” He takes my box and drops it to the floor.

As instructed, I step inside and sit on a narrow bench. The guard bends down, raising my pant leg, and inserting a key in the shackle, causing me to tense up and wince in pain, before removing the manacle stained with my blood.  Now the other one.  Again, I tense and wince as he frees my ankle from the bloody contraption. He stands and backs out, slamming the door closed.  “Stand up,” he orders, handing the leg irons to the transport guard.  “Turn to the side.”

I comply. He reaches through a hole cut into the mesh and removes the lock that is holding the chain around my waist. Once that is done, I slowly turn back towards him so he can unhook the chain from the black box, a torturous device designed by an ex-prisoner, placed over the handcuffs to lock the wrists and hands in one position, preventing any movement.

He unhooks the chain and removes the black box. The transport guard takes them from him. “Stick your hands out the hole.”

I do so, tentatively, anticipating the agonizing pain that never comes – my wrists and hands are still quite numb. I watch as he peels the cuffs from the gashes in my wrists, slivers of my skin and blood cling to the metal.

“Turn around and put your hands behind your back.”

I turn, and he clamps another pair of handcuffs over the bloodied gashes. Grimacing, I throw my head back towards the heavens as the pain flashes red behind my eyelids.  Argh!!  Fuck! Man, are you serious?

“Have a seat,” he says.

As I open my eyes and turn to sit, the driver says, “Have fun,” laughing as he walks away.

I sit with my hands behind my back, wrists searing hot with pain, for almost three hours before the property room Sergeant rolls a dolly to the cage and throws my box on it.  Opening the cage door he says, “Follow me.”

I follow him for about a half a football field to the property room. Thank God! I’m not carrying that box.

We enter and he dumps the box’s contents on a large table. Combing through my belongings, he documents the items I’m allowed to keep and places them back into the box.  He throws the items I’m not allowed to keep into a large trashcan that sits next to the table.

After about twenty minutes, he places the box and a bedroll on the dolly. “Let’s go,” he demands, leading the way.

Back in the hallway we continue until we reach the end. There is a door in front of us that leads to the electric chair and a door to the left that leads to the death row housing unit.  The Sergeant taps it with his keys, and a guard who looks like he should be just entering high school opens the door.

“A death row gain,” the Sergeant tells him, retrieving the box and sliding it inside the door. Before turning to leave, he hands the bedroll and paperwork to the guard.

Standing, frozen, outside of death’s door, I try to sort my emotions – fear, anger, confusion, doubt. I no longer feel the burning, ephemeral pain in my ankles and wrists. The hurt girding me now eclipses the physical. There is no lotion or ointment to soothe it.

“I think you’re goin’ to cell 7,” the young guard says, snapping me out of a daze. Then he steps aside, beckoning me to enter.

I turn and peer down the long corridor, swallow hard, and hesitantly cross the threshold. Once I enter, he closes and locks the door.

Another uniform appears, “Sarg, we got a gain. I believe he’s goin’ in 7.”

“You got his things?”

“Yes. Over there.”

“Okay. Grab ‘em and let’s go.”  Then to me, “Follow me.”

I follow him to a door made of steel bars. He unlocks and opens it, and we step into a long, narrow hallway that has bars on the left and cells on the right.  When we reach the seventh cell, the young guard steps into the darkness and deposits the box and bed roll.  He exits, however, I don’t enter immediately.

“Well, wacha waitin’ for?  Go on in.”

Reluctantly, I step inside. When the door slams behind me, it startles me, causing me to flinch.

“Back up a bit, so I can take them cuffs off.”

My wrists are raw and tender.  At least this part of the agony will be over. Thank God.

After they leave, I look around for a light and spot a string in the corner dangling from the ceiling. I pull it, and a dim, 40-watt bulb comes to life.  Roaches scurry everywhere.

I look around the filthy cage. Paint is peeling off the walls which are so close that I can stand in the middle of the floor, extend my arms, and touch both of them – and the ceiling.  Dirt and dust bunnies cover the floor, mold and brown crud occupy the sink and toilet.

I flop down on the narrow steel bunk and look around at my new surroundings, trying to process everything – my innocence, conviction, sentence.  How the hell did this happen, and where do I go from here?

Then I hear a voice.  “Hi, neighbor. How’s it goin’?”  I didn’t even consider that there were others – I didn’t look into any cells while walking down the hallway.  “Name’s Locke. I’m over here, next to you, in six.”

“How’s it going, Locke?  Just trying to get settled in.”

“Well, if you need anything, just give me a holler. You want some smokes?”

“Yeah, I would appreciate it,” I reply, even though I don’t smoke.

I don’t have the strength to clean, so I sit smoking until it turns dark outside. Tired of sitting, I turn off the light and lay in the dark, smoking and listening to critters scurry about, until I doze off to sleep.

I have a dream… unfettered, head held high, retracing my steps down the long corridors – I walk to freedom.

Epilogue

Still – 26 years later – sleep is my only freedom.

©Reshi Yenot