Every Sunday when I was a kid my grandmother would get up at 5:00 a.m. to make Sunday dinner. We would all go to church, and before we left, dinner would be fixed and on the stove. And, she always made cornbread. She could make it all sorts of ways – jalapeno, cheese, pork – and she would bake it in all types of pans.
From time to time, I’d play sick and be allowed to stay home with my uncle who never went to church. That’s when I’d make my way into the kitchen and into the pan of cornbread. I’d cut off a piece, then another and another. One time I ate all but one small slice.
My grandmother would get so mad at me when she would come home and get ready to eat. One time she brought the pastor home and the cornbread was gone. That was it for me. She told me I was the cornbread eatin’est little boy she ever saw.
It wasn’t long after that she woke me up around 6:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning and told me to wash up and help her in the kitchen. I found her at the kitchen table with all the ingredients laid out to make her cornbread. She also had two pans – hers and one small one for me. From that day forward, I would get up every Sunday morning and make that pan of bread.
One day a friend came over and called me ‘Cornbread’. That was in 1967, and the name stuck. It was with me until I came to prison. After I got here I heard some guys talking, and one of them called the other Cornbread. I dropped the ‘corn’ in my name that day. Now – I’m just called ‘The Bread’.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR. Alfred Hall lives in a prison in Texas and can be contacted at:
Alfred L. Hall #01840184
Ramsey 1 Unit
1100 FM 655
Rosharon, TX 77583
Prison isn’t anything like its depicted in films. It’s not glamorous. In fact I spend more time sleeping than anything else. The other things follow – writing and reading, followed by standing in endless lines to nowhere for food, showers, the pill window, insulin administration, commissary, everything is a line.
The line at the bank, or the Department of Motor Vehicles, or the Post Office are short and fast compared to the lines here. On those lines you might hear “next” or “this line is closed.”
Here? You are subject to getting yelled at, called everything but your name, and thrown out of line even though you’ve been as quiet as a church mouse.
When I got out of the van that transported me from the county jail to diagnostics, I was walked in the back door of the prison along with everyone else, and we were herded like cattle or sheep into holding tanks. From there, we were moved to another tank, stripped of our orange jail clothes and led barefoot and naked to a shower area. Afterwards, we were given clothes, boots, and off to the barber.
At this barber you are shaved, once again much like a sheep, and given a comb (which you won’t need for a few months). From there, you are escorted to a row (cells). After that, it’s a new experience every day. You are taken to medical where your needs are evaluated and you are given medication to keep you alive if deemed necessary.
You are taken to dental, where they marvel at your perfect teeth, give you a toothbrush, and then you go back to housing.
The next day its Q and A. You talk to psychology and sociology. You’re given an IQ test, an education evaluation test and quizzed on your academic background. Did you graduate from high school? What grade did you complete? Did you attend college? What kind of employment did you have?
You’re given an MMPI – Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory – and you’re asked questions like, Are you suicidal? Are you hearing voices? Are you angry? Sad? Of course.
Prison is like being born. You enter crying, naked hungry and unsure of what will happen next. If you survive the next 48 hours without any issues, then you have the following three weeks to get used to waking up at 3 a.m. every day and going to breakfast, lunch, and dinner at specific intervals. It isn’t like in the movies. You don’t have other inmates yelling, “Bitch, I’m going to have you in my cell tonight!” or “Give me those tennis shoes, they look like they’ll fit!” Basically, everyone there is new and on the same page socially.
At the end of intake though, that’s when you have to watch what’s going on around you. They assign you to a unit. Some are close by, some are 400 miles from nowhere. I was assigned to the French Robertson Unit in Abilene, Texas. Texas is a big state. It wasn’t just 400 miles from nowhere, it was dead center. It was cold and wet in the winter and uncomfortably hot and dry in the summer. No fall, no spring.
We arrived after a ten hour bus ride. That’s when the fun began. That’s where dog eat dog starts. A good number of the inmates sent to French Robertson are, to sum it up in one word, predators. The guards were there for two reasons – to keep anyone from escaping and to keep the weaker inmates from being eaten. All the education in the world can’t help you. You either give up or you fight.
I’m not good at giving up, but I’m not a prize fighter – I’m a surprise fighter. If I feel threatened, my best defense is a great offense. At 5’9” and 160 pounds, I don’t intimidate anyone. I never intended to live my life as an MMA fighter. I was 33 years old, well educated, soft spoken, big hearted and scared to death.
Then I met Mongo. He may not have been the sharpest crayon in the box, but he had a sharpener. He taught me things in the following months that would keep me alive. Hell, he kept me alive.
Like Bob used to tell me, “The only way to eliminate your enemies is to make them your friends.” So, I mixed and matched. The ones I couldn’t convince I wasn’t lunch, I avoided or I fed to Mongo. The ones I trusted, I kept at arm’s length, but I used my charm to win them over.
I did okay, I think. I’m still alive. I have one scar above my left eyebrow where I fell because of a hypoglycemic reaction – I passed out, hit my head on the corner of the table and hit the floor nose first. They stitched the eye, reset the nose, good as new! I also have a ten inch scar on my left ankle above the foot, where they had to operate because of a staph infection. Not bad for twenty-five years.
But, I want to go home now. To erase the scars on the inside, the psychological ones. I’ve seen all the sights, I rode all the rides. It’s time.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Beginning to feel a little less ‘Shipwrecked, Abandoned, and Misunderstood’. In spite of 25 years behind bars, John Green continues to wake up every day holding on to his humanity and on a mission to change the world for the better.
John Green #671771
C.T. Terrell Unit A346
1300 FM655
Rosharon, TX 77583
Wanna cry me a river
Tears for my peers
Executed over the years
Despite these fears
Living life in this period
Grinded in the gears
Of unfair justice
Strapped down in line
Hoping it’s not my time
To cry my river…
ABOUT THE WRITER. Travis Runnels, is a published author, and is currently working on his second novel. He lives on Death Row.
Travis Runnels #999505
3872 FM 350
Livingston, TX 77351
Sometimes I wish I was a kid again
Living in a world free of sin
Free from war that has no meaning
Sure!
I’m still California Dreamin’
Leaning on my own understanding
Tired of Politicians’ deceptive grandstanding
Telling you what you want to hear
So they can get your vote
It’s either the Ballot or the Bullet
Not watermelon nor chicken
And just because I eat at Chick-fil-A
Don’t make me anti-gay
It just means I accept marriage to mean a husband and a wife
I’m pro-life…
Live and let live…
To be or not to be…
And yet,
Sometimes…
I just want to kick back and eat a pork sandwich
While watching Charlotte play with her web in search for Wilbur
Follow me?
Society can be a cruel place
Often making me feel like a mental-case
Worrying about my family’s safety
Not caring whether or not the Executioner hates me
Humans will always be at odds with Humanity
It’s the essence of Insanity
“One Nation Under God,” has never existed
Uncle Sam keeps murderers enlisted
Never forget My Lai of 1968
Sometime…
Sometimes can be a little too much
I feel that I’ve grown out-of-touch
I shun liars
And speak the truth
Having immature folks call me a nincompoop
My mother tells me I just don’t understand
While I explain I speak with the tongue of a changed man
My so called friends say these nine pounds of steel has messed with my brain
Sometimes…
I only wish they could feel my pain
ABOUT THE AUTHOR. Charles “Chucky” Mamou is a gifted writer living on Death Row. He can be contacted at:
Charles Mamou #999333
Polunsky Unit 12-CD-53
3872 South FM 350
Livingston, TX 77351
At age eleven I was diagnosed as a Type I diabetic. I weighed 90 pounds dripping wet, and in May of 1972 I went from that 90 pounds to 56 in about two and a half weeks. I was incessantly thirsty. I couldn’t eat enough food, and I threw up and pissed like a drunken sailor.
My dad took me to the family doctor, and he tested my urine and called the children’s hospital in Columbus, Ohio, to get me admitted. Once there, my blood tested at 901 – I was on the edge of a coma. I was in the ICU for a week before they moved me to a regular room, where my diabetic training commenced.
I was put on a special diet – seven exchanges a day. Three servings of meat or protein (eggs, fish, peanut butter), four milk or dairy, three fruits, three vegetables and two fats. If I wanted ice cream, I could have it, only if I exchanged one milk and one dairy for it. I was told to avoid a lot of starches, potatoes, bread, rice, cereal – everything an eleven year old craves. Only three of these, no more candy. No more sickly sweet sodas.
The doctors at the hospital told my dad that I had juvenile diabetes, and that I most likely wouldn’t see my 21st birthday. My dad and I celebrated that birthday together on December 16, 1981, and I’m 57 now. The docs were a bit off.
The doctors also told my dad not to be too strict with me. The more I was treated like I was a normal, the less likely I’d develop complications – everything in moderation. Of course, this instruction became another way for my mother to punish me. She rid the house of sugar. It was an actual sugar embargo. No more cakes, pies, cookies, candy, Captain Crunch. Nothing entered the house that could be construed as sugar.
I stuck to my diet and Dad would sneak me out on Saturday afternoons for ice cream. And, with sugar on the barred substance list, I learned to cook. Cakes, pies, and Toll House cookies were just a few ingredients away. I made a few trial and error mistakes, but you can’t keep a good (or bad) diabetic down.
However, if mom discovered my transgressions, she’d beat me silly, yell, scream and ground me for weeks on end. I didn’t get caught often, but when I did, there was hell to pay. When I turned sixteen, she took me to a church counselor to see, “What the @?!#!,” was wrong with me.
I talked to him for an hour. She talked to him for an hour. In the end, she grabbed me by the hand, and we stormed out of the church. Later that evening, my Dad told me, “Your mom is upset because the counselor told her you weren’t the problem, she was.”
On July 4th, 1980, I packed everything I owned and escaped to Ohio. By September I was back. I had a relapse. My insulin needed adjustment, and my blood sugar went back to 700, so I had to spend another two weeks in the hospital. This was proof to my mom that I wasn’t taking care of myself, and they were just wasting their time and money on a lost cause.
In September of 1981 I left again. This time I went to Grand Prairie, Texas. I sold the ‘useless comic books’ that were ‘taking up space and collecting dust’, and I rented a two bedroom apartment for six months. I fixed my car, got a job working for Kroger Grocery Company, and I paid for two semesters of college with money to spare. Thank you Marvel Comics!
In the spring of 1983 I got sick again, and Dad asked me to come home. He said he’d foot the rest of my college education. I almost graduated. In 1988 I was about 30 credit hours short of my degree in Computer Science, and I’d taken enough English courses to keep me close to an Associates in English.
After my dad died that year, I had another episode with diabetes, this time dropping instead of elevating. My sugar went to 28 one morning, and I almost died on the way to the hospital. Now, instead of too much sugar, it was not enough.
I was bouncing back and forth before my incarceration. And, now, after being in prison for 25 years surrounded by pancakes, pasta and everything but the proper nutrition, I’ve developed PTSD – Pancake Traumatic Stress Disorder.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Beginning to feel a little less ‘Shipwrecked, Abandoned, and Misunderstood’. In spite of 25 years behind bars, John Green continues to wake up every day holding on to his humanity and on a mission to change the world for the better.
John Green #671771
C.T. Terrell Unit A346
1300 FM655
Rosharon, TX 77583
This is Ernest Parker, proud father and grandfather. His warmth runs deeper than the smile. His friends speak of him fondly, and I recently had the privilege of reading a letter he wrote, in which he described a fellow inmate. Of his friend, he said, “His smile is like a beacon of light shining in the valley of despair.” While speaking so highly of his friend, Ernest Parker also described his home as the ‘valley of despair’. His home of nearly three decades has been a federal prison.
A few weeks before Christmas, 1990, Ernest Parker – Parker Bey to his friends – pled guilty to possession with intent to distribute a mixture containing cocaine base and possession with intent to distribute black tar heroin. Less than two years later, in 1992, Ernest Parker was found guilty of conspiracy with intent to distribute in excess of five kilograms of cocaine while in prison.
That was almost thirty years ago. This coming December, as the rest of us prepare for and celebrate the holiday season, Parker-Bay will begin his twenty eighth year of incarceration. This autumn, he will celebrate his sixty-third birthday inside a prison. When he was first incarcerated, he had a ten year old daughter. She is all grown up now, and has a daughter of her own. Parker-Bay’s granddaughter will turn twelve this year.
Mr. Parker is not alone. He, along with thousands of other grandfathers, are nearing the end of the their lives behind bars, at the same time that we have an administration that is speaking of getting tougher on crime, talking of resorting to the death penalty for some drug crimes.
Parker-Bey was drug dealer. He was not a wealthy man using his status to belittle those he felt beneath him. He was not a murderer. He was not an arsonist. He was not an abuser of children or women. He was not a well-paid doctor writing prescriptions to addicts and abusing his position knowing full well the medical repercussions of his crime. He was not a rapist. He was not guilty of assault or armed robbery. He has never been any of those things, but something he is known as today is a ‘good friend’.
At my request, Mr. Parker wrote to me about his case. In his letter, he shared with me some of his frustration with his former lawyer and how he requested that they do things that were never done. He also spoke of evidence he feels could have helped him that came up missing.
There are things that I know from my own life experiences and what others have shared with me time and time again. Courts aren’t fair. Anyone who thinks they are has not been very involved with them. Guilt and innocence, reality and fiction – those things are often interchangeable in a courtroom. Without talented representation that has your best interests at heart and behaves as your advocate, a person is very likely to experience that reality. Lawyers, prosecutors and judges – they write the story. That is reality, and it is just as real as Parker-Bey’s words to me describing his longtime home as ‘the unwholesome depths of a human warehouse’. Ernest Parker, father, grandfather, good friend, former drug dealer, lives in a human warehouse, one of the thousands stored there as part of America’s failed ‘war on drugs’.
ERNEST PARKER can be contacted at:
Ernest Parker #02816-089
Federal Correctional Institution
P.O. Box 1000
Milan, Michigan 48160
Brother forgive me,
I find no pleasure in what I must do.
No joy. No pride.
No honor.
Though the deed that you’ve willed
Will never be,
The intent forever will.
Now the blood of a brother
Must be spilt
On the iron foundation
Of what we have built,
Though it is not for us to say whose,
It would seem that
With the words of a coward,
And the heart of a soldier,
That it is you whom fate has chosen
To mark as her own.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR. Robert McCracken is a gifted poet.
He can be reached at:
Robert McCracken LG8344
Sci-Greene
175 Progress Drive
Waynesburg, PA 15370
I grew up amongst the tribe of fatherless sons,
We are the true lost ones.
Finding thugs, killers and dope dealers
As role models for our future.
Our mothers strove from 8 to 5,
Tryin’ to keep hope alive
That our rebellion was just a phase,
One to pass in the coming of days,
But oh, how we were lost in our ways.
See, we longed for more than a mother’s love,
We looked tirelessly for a masculine image to clone.
Told to be ‘the man’ of the home,
But lost upon us, like gold’s shine covered in dust,
Was the meaning of being a ‘man’.
Our fathers were like gardeners
Who plant a seed as it were
And never came back to nurture,
Letting it spring up amongst weeds and insects
That on its innocence feed.
It’s not only that we have been forgotten,
We have been forsaken
By supposed men, of which we’re the next of kin.
So, I call out you cowardice swine,
Who left behind in your lustful wake,
Hearts and lives you thought not twice to break.
How do you answer for your crimes?
Does the anguish caused by you
Play upon your conscious mind?
For those of us who did not succumb,
To all that we had to overcome,
And even those still lost,
May our tribe die with us,
For a future without fatherless sons is a must!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR. Reggie West is serving life without the possibility of parole. He can be reached at:
Reggie West #FE-6643
1000 Follies Road
Dallas, PA 18612
My heart is crumbling into dust, not pieces.
There is no reconstructing the damage.
I’m bleeding.
I want redemption for my penance,
As the lost seek Divine forgiveness.
Hope is all I have,
And it’s a fine thread from heaven.
Despair is a razor rendering the cord unwoven.
I’m on borrowed time, with an impossible interest rate,
In fear of having the loan called in.
I grow weary from all this prison life,
So, I’m going to sleep.
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll try again.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR. Darrell has contributed several pieces to this site and continues to write. He wrote this piece not long ago, shortly after a friend of his lost his life inside his cell.
Darrell Sharpe #W80709
P.O. Box 43
Norfolk, MA 02056
I sympathize with the people of Flint, Michigan. Their water was contaminated because nobody gave much thought to the problems that could be created by switching from a water source that was proven reliable to the Flint River, which was known for its mercury poisoned waters.
Sometimes greed overcomes public welfare and safety. Or, as in our case, indifference.
When I arrived at this place in May of 1995, I immediately noticed one thing. The water wasn’t right, and it wasn’t just the way it tasted. If an inmate heats water for coffee, soups or anything else they might want to cook, they need a hot pot. The pot doesn’t get hot enough to ‘boil’ water, but it can get hot enough to ‘crock pot’ a meal if used correctly.
I’ve had two. I had the first one for almost six years and the second for ten. Both never leaked because I kept them dry while not in use, and I never left water in them for longer than an hour. Everyone who owns one and doesn’t dry it out immediately after use is plagued with the dilemma of replacing their pot. If a pot is left slightly wet or heats water for long periods of time, the water will begin to eat through the bottom plate of the pot.
Which brings us to the crux of the story. All of the water coolers here have filters – except for the ones in the male housing areas. The infirmary, the cannery, the areas where officers fill their bottles, the officers’ dining areas – all of those locations have filtered water. Everywhere – but where we live. There are even signs in some locations stating ‘non-potable water’.
The officers often buy bottled water from the commissary or bring in bottles by the dozens in the hotter months of June, July and August. Of course, I can hear my dad saying to me now, “Johnny, if water can eat through a hot pot, imagine what it’s doing to your stomach?” It regularly eats and corrodes the water pipes in the plumbing system.
So, what’s in the water? Being the resourceful person I am, I once sent a fellow inmate home with a water sample to find out. He was a plumber by trade so he had access to the type of testing and technology needed. A week after he got home and settled in, he had the sample tested. He never sent me the results, only told me, “You don’t wanna know.”
Before I came to prison in 1993, I never experienced any kind of skin irritation or sensitivity. I’ve battled all kinds of skin problems since I’ve been here. I’ve had athletes foot, jock itch, and scaling skin issues since my arrival. I seem to have developed an immunity over the years, but I continue to see things on a daily basis that, pardon the pun, would make your skin crawl.
The quality of life suffers when the water you drink and bathe in is at war with you. Sometimes there are notices to the inmates to boil the water we use. Remember our hot pots? They don’t boil – crazy, huh? Or is it by design?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Beginning to feel a little less ‘Shipwrecked, Abandoned, and Misunderstood’. In spite of 25 years behind bars, John Green continues to wake up every day holding on to his humanity and on a mission to change the world for the better.
John Green #671771
C.T. Terrell Unit A346
1300 FM655
Rosharon, TX 77583